You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
