I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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