Im at strip club and am horny
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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