Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
