I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
