just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
How did I end up in the pool?!
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I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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