he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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