i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
if only i could text you this smell
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
