Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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