He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
