You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
please come you make the beer taste better
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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