Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
