I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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