I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
