glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Randomize
