I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I am spending my child support on dildos
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
