There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
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