You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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