Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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