You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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