When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
