how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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