you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
