I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
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I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
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I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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