I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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