I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Randomize
