So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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