Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Randomize
