that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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