Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
