i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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