Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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