Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
