i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
