his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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