Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
