I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
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I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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