I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
