You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
