Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
