So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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