i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
There's always time for handjobs
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
