He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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