I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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