Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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