cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
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