Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
