just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
