shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
