Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
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