Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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