dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
