u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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