Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
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shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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