"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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