well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
