I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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