I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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