i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
