can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
