I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
